Going Under
by WhitePhoenixes' old account
Summary: It was her rashness that caused him to leave and left her wondering if she had ever deserved his trust. ScullyAngst MSR, AU, spoilers for Pusher.


Title: Going Under  
Author: AntheaMS  
E-mail:  
Distribution: Anywhere, just drop me an email first  
Rating: PG  
Categories: SRA  
Keywords: Mulder/Scully Romance  
Spoilers: Pusher  
Summary: She's cracking, at last.  
Disclaimer: Not mine, sadly, all Chris Carter's. Going Under belongs to Evanescence  
Author's Notes:

_Now I will tell you what I've done for you -  
50 thousand tears I've cried._

It started slowly, a whisper, then a slow crawl and finally the big bang.

It faded quickly. Their love was like a fleeting flame in the winter. One gust of wind, and everything disappeared. Their trust was shaky at best, the lies that both of them told was enough to destroy their partnership in the end. With that one lie, she pushed him out of her life, forever.

_Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you -  
And you still won't hear me.  
(going under)_

She never did thought that it would end like that, he staring into her eyes, emotionless, cold, unwavering, the gun held between them, aiming to kill. She knew this was it then, the final faceoff. And this time, she was the loser. She had lied to him all this while, that seed of doubt had been planted in his mind. She knew that it was all over now when Modell mentioned that she was a spy. She saw that flash of doubt in his eyes, even as she saw him aim carefully, the gun positioned just at the right position to kill her, with that one shot.

_Don't want your hand this time - I'll save myself.  
Maybe I'll wake up for once (wake up for once)  
Not tormented daily defeated by you  
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom_

She had always tried to push him away, making him think that all she had was that emotionless ice queen façade that she had held on to ever since high school. She was so much more than that, she knew, but the deed was done, he had believed, and now, she was suffering because of that.

Her various 'I'm fine's over the years had finally cost her something that she would never have wanted to give up, his love. When she finally started to regret it, it was too late.

She heard the gun cock, and she prepared herself for the shot to ring out and the subsequent pain. She saw his hand twitching towards the trigger, finger squeezing...

The shot rang out in the suddenly quiet room; she had closed her eyes at that loud noise. To her surprise, she didn't feel any pain. Startled, she opened her eyes, to see that he had shot Modell, before collapsing in the chair.

His cold remark of 'I'm Fine' stung even after the whole thing was over.

I'm dying again

The news of his impending marriage to Holly was more than she could take. She could not believe it, especially since they had only known each other for less than half a year. But it was true, she knew it, she had the invitation clutched in her hand, crumpled now by the combined force of her anger and anguish.

_I'm going under (going under)  
Drowning in you (drowning in you)  
I'm falling forever (falling forever)  
I've got to break through  
I'm going under_

The wedding was beautiful. Utterly beautiful. Mulder had looked so handsome in his tuxedo, as he recited those vows. Holly was a vision in white, as she walked down the aisle, she could not help the tears that flooded her eyes as she thought of what might have been.

She should have never pushed him away.

She should never have told him that she hated him, after the whole fiasco with Modell was over. A lone hand on her shoulder reminded her that she was not alone, and she turned, meeting the understanding eyes of her mother, and in a rare display of emotion, ran to her, seeking comfort.

For the first time in her life, Dana Katherine Scully understood heartbreak.

_Blurring and stirring - the truth and the lies.  
(So I don't know what's real) So I don't know what's real and what's not (and what's not)  
Always confusing the thoughts in my head  
So I can't trust myself anymore_

Their partnership pretty much broke up after that. She managed to get a position in Quantico, teaching the new recruits. She never heard from him ever again, and every time she spotted him in the building, she tried her utmost to pretend that she was fine, even though she was dying inside.

He ignored her every time he saw her. Her heart ached terribly every time that happened, but some how, a few tears always managed to leak out. She could not help but to wonder what might have been if she had came to him that night and told him the truth.

She had always regretted that final betrayal. She had went to his apartment that night, right after Modell had wreaked havoc on his mind, intending to comfort, but it evolved into so much more.

That night was one of the best experiences in her life. The next morning wasn't.

She had waked up confused, startled at the fact that she was in his bed. In a moment of confusion, she had scrambled away from him, accusing him of taking advantage of her. She had ignored the pained look on his face, and in a moment of weakness, she spilled out every wild, unfound accusation she managed to dig out. She had ignored all the explanations he had tried to give her. Even after hours of him trying to explain, she refused to believe him, shutting herself in.

It was that kiss that damned them both.

Staring at the picture on her desk, she could not help but to let the tears fall out again. They looked so happy in that photograph, her smiling brilliantly, he with his arm thrown around her shoulders. They were the very picture of a happy couple. It was like that once, when they had been the best of friends, before she betrayed their trust.

Looking up from the picture, she noticed him walk past her office. She wanted to call out to him, to apologize for all that she had done. "Mulder..." she called out hesitantly, standing up and making her way to the door. She noticed him pause for a while, before walking away. The tears poured out then, torrents; deep wracking sobs shook her body. She closed her eyes with pain, leaning her head against her office door, the tears pouring down her face, her whispered denials and quiet sobs the only sounds in her quiet office.

She never did find out that he had felt the same, once upon a time.

_I'm dying again_

I'm going under (going under)  
Drowning in you (drowning in you)  
I'm falling forever (falling forever)  
I've got to break through

She knew her mother had chastised her silently in her heart, but the other woman never did vocalize her disappointment in Dana until now. It started out simply, both of them having dinner in her mother's house, when Maggie mentioned Mulder. She had lashed out angrily then, the mere mention of his name bringing horrible memories to her mind, and a deep bitter taste in her mouth. Maggie had persisted though, and it was then that she found out that Holly was with child already.

That news broke her heart into thousands of tiny pieces, shattering. She had screamed then, hysterical, even her mother had never expected such a reaction from her.

She had screamed her hate for Fox Mulder, for Holly Patterson, for all that the both of them had done. Even as she knew that, the blame lies with her and her alone. Her mother had reminded her of that though, and for the second time in her life, she shouted at her mother. Maggie didn't say anything though, merely staying quiet through her tirade until Dana said that she hoped that Holly's child died.

Once she saw Maggie's face and heard her own words, Dana sank down onto the floor, crying. It was the first time Maggie had expressly used the words, "I am disappointed in you, Dana." She had looked up, confused, prompting her mother to launch in an explanation.

"I know everything that happened, Dana," she had said softly, "Mulder still comes over once in a while, you know. I've never gotten the whole story, but from what I gathered, from him and your former boss, you hurt him. Badly. He trusted you, and he thought that you knew that he won't do anything that you don't consent to. And you destroyed that with your impulsive actions. Think about that, Dana." With that, her mother left the room, leaving a stunned Dana Scully seating on the floor.

Her mother had known all along. That thought repeated itself around her head, even as she tried to deny it, she knew. Her mother had known everything from the start.

_I'm..._

So go on and scream  
Scream at me I'm so far away (so far away)  
I won't be broken again (again)  
I've got to breathe - I can't keep going under

She had sat there in a stunned silence the whole night, those words ringing in her head. Her mother had known all along. Mulder had told her everything the moment she was transferred to Quantico. She didn't know whether to feel ashamed or disgusted with herself. To think that she was capable of hurting Mulder to that extent. Her mind could not wrap itself around that concept.

She had thought that their trust was enough. That their simple partnership was enough for the both of them. However, sitting her now, alone, cold, with tears pouring down her cheeks, she knew that she had loved him from the start, and he had loved her. Until the day when she accused him of taking advantage of her, forgetting in the heat of the moment that he would never have done that. Even when she realized what she had done, she had not bothered to apologize, despite his various attempts to explain things to her.

In that instance, she knew that all along, Mulder had tried. It was her refusal to listen to him and her hard headedness that had finally condemned her to a life without him.

She never knew how much she missed his light touches on the small of her back, the exciting cases that they had, the various little things that he did for her everyday, until now.

She never realized that he had loved her deeply, even though she had been absolutely horrible to him. Until now.

Determined, she got up from the floor, and made her way to the door, letting herself out. It was time to make things right. And this time, she vowed, she would admit that she was wrong.

_I'm dying again_

I'm going under (going under)  
Drowning in you (drowning in you)  
I'm falling forever (falling forever)  
I've got to break through

She stopped at her house first, changing into fresh clothes, taking the time to bath and let the guilt she felt be washed away. She took her time, choosing her outfit carefully, smiling at her reflection before moving out of her bedroom. She turned on the television, intent on catching some parts of the news before she left. It was then she saw it, a mangled wreck, two cars twisted together horribly. She listened, stunned, as the reporter reported that an accident occurred on the highway between blah and blah and that there were two bodies recovered, both in serious condition.

It was only when it was mentioned that one of the victims was an FBI agent, Fox William Mulder that she looked up, stunned, even as the news sunk in. Mulder may be dead, her heart screamed, even as tears started pouring down her face. She had been so ready to get to him and to apologize, and now, it was all going to be over before it even started.

"No..." it started as a small moan, getting louder every minute, "this is not happening. No..." she cried in anguish, guilt and panic coursing through her veins. The knock on the door and the subsequent entrance of someone went unheard, until she felt arms slip around her shoulders, comforting her.

She turned, facing her mother with red-rimmed eyes. "I was going to apologize to him," she whispered painfully, "and now, it was going to be over even before it starts. Why, mum, why must this happen now? Why? Why must God choose to punish me like that?" she asked, tears coursing down her face, not expecting her mother to reply.

"I don't know, Dana," Maggie said softly, trying to sooth her tearful daughter. She knew Mulder was involved in an accident on the highway; Assistant Director Skinner had called her once he received the news, knowing that Dana would most probably want to know what happened. "We don't know how God works at times, Dana," she soothed, rubbing her daughter's back.

She was not comforted though, and she began to sob harder, "what if he dies, Mum?" she asked tearfully, "he'll never know how sorry I am for all that I said." Dana was in a state of panic now, fear and anxiety coursing through her veins.

"If he dies," Maggie said firmly, "you have to move on. Don't dwell on the past, Dana; it doesn't do that much good."

Her words went unheard though, for Dana had cried herself asleep already.  
_  
I'm going under (going under)  
I'm going under (drowning in you)_

She had visited him in the hospital once he had healed enough. She had entered his room hesitantly, wondering if she should even be there. He was not awake yet, and she took that opportunity to study his tall lanky form, even under the bandages, he was still beautiful. She had heard the news about Holly's death, and even though she hated that the other woman had gotten 'her' man, she felt sorry, knowing that Mulder would be devastated if he finds out.

Sitting down beside him, she took one hand that did not have wires poking out of it, gently caressing it, and absently drawing circles on it. She felt much better once she found out that he was safe. A twitch under her hand brought an end to her musings, however. Looking down, she looked into his eyes, trying to discern his current emotions. To her relief, she did not find any hate there, merely curiosity.

"Mulder," she started hesitantly, trying to say the words that she had been wanting to say for the last two years. "I'm sorry," she said in a rush, not looking at him. "I'm sorry for all that I said that night, Mulder. I wasn't thinking, it just slipped out. I thought you were someone else," she admitted softly. There, she said it at last, she thought.

It was only the squeeze on the hand that was still in Mulder's grasp that alerted her that he was still there. She looked down at him, her fears allayed once she realized that he didn't look as though as she hated her.

"I forgive you, Scully," he said softly, "I forgive you for everything."

With that sentence, she felt all the guilt and pain disappear, and she hugged him tightly, crying softly. She felt a hand rubbing her back soothingly, and she smiled a little. She was feeling so happy now, happy that everything was going to be all right some day. "It'll be all right, Scully," she heard Mulder whisper. "Some day, Scully, I'll trust you with my heart again."

"And I'll be waiting for that day," she whispered.

_I'm going under_

It was a beautiful day, with no clouds in the sky except for the occasional small one. The sky was of a beautiful blue, matching the bride's eyes perfectly.

She was a vision in a white dress that she borrowed from her mother. As she walked down the aisle, the man standing by the alter could not help but to hiss and shift uncomfortably. Beside him, his balding best man chuckled softly, though he did understand what his agent was going through.

Reaching the alter; they stood there, paying attention to the priest as he went through the rites of marriage. They gave each other small smiles as they slipped on their rings on the other's finger. When he said that he may kiss the bride, he did so gladly, planning on placing a chaste kiss on her lips, but that plan was destroyed when she moaned slightly and pulled him in for a deeper kiss.

They overcame everything that life had thrown at them, Scully thought, as she enjoyed the kiss. Raising her eyes to the sky, she sent up a silent prayer of thanks.

She had finally come home.

Please R/R!! Thank you. The purple button is NOT going to eat you. I will, if you don't review. ;)


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